This month, we’re exploring the importance of effective communication in leadership. In this post, we discuss how leaders can level up their listening skills—by throwing their whole bodies into it.

 

 

Ignoring the potential future benefits of knowing Spanish or French, I took four years of Latin in high school. Then, doubling down in college, I satisfied my foreign language requirement with two years of American Sign Language (ASL). Did I know any deaf or hard-of-hearing people? No. Heck, I didn’t even know anyone else who knew ASL. But something drew me to that language, and I ended up stumbling into a lesson that forever altered my perspective not only on hearing but on listening.

Sign language (American or otherwise) demands that you “listen” with your entire self. And that you “speak” the same way. Your body becomes a canvas for communication and an instrument of understanding. Where verbal communication relies on the words that you’re saying and the tone that you use to say them in order to convey information, context, and sentiment, sign language is a medium constructed through gesture and expression.

Of course, I’m simplifying things. Every verbal conversation includes nonverbal cues, just as sign language isn’t exclusively a series of hand gestures. But, as a hearing person, the lesson that to truly listen for understanding and comprehension, I needed to listen with my whole body had a profound and transformative effect on me.

In the world of sign language, listening goes beyond just “hearing” words. It’s an intricate dance of body language, expressions, posture, and gestures. Sign language requires you to pay attention, establish direct eye contact, and observe the nuanced movements of the hands. None of this “listening with half an ear” business while you check your phone. That just won’t work. Whole-body listening demands that you are present, not only in the conversation but in each moment of the conversation.

To be honest, it begs the question: Shouldn’t all communication be this way?

If our goal is to communicate with each other effectively, whether in a professional or personal capacity, shouldn’t we always be attentive? Shouldn’t every attempt to communicate be immersive?

The Art of Whole-Body Listening

Too often, when we talk about “effective communication,” we focus on how we can more effectively get across our own message. We think of “communication” as the thing we’re doing, the thing we’re saying, the thing we’re conveying. But that’s only one side of the conversation. For any communication to be genuinely effective, it must be received, understood, and accepted, so for our discussion, let’s shift the focus to the act—and art—of listening.

Listening for Understanding

Words have meaning, and that vocabulary is important, whether it’s made up of sounds or hand movements. But it’s not enough to just know the words. Whole-body listening reminds us to tune in to more than what a person is saying. Consider their demeanor and nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions, whether they’re fidgeting, and their general posture, to gain context clues and increase understanding. As we move beyond merely hearing the words, we get closer to the heart of the message.

Listening Actively

Listening is not a passive act; it’s an active and deliberate process. Active listening is how we fully engage with a speaker and demonstrate our commitment to understanding their perspective. Eliminate distractions, lean in, and make eye contact. Provide (and invite) real-time feedback by asking open-ended questions, seeking clarification, and indicating whether you understand or agree. When you show empathy and interest, you ensure a more comprehensive and meaningful exchange of ideas.

Receiving the Message

For any communication to be effective, the listener must be open to receiving it. Whole-body listening teaches us the importance of creating an environment where individuals feel seen, heard, valued, and understood. Be aware of your own biases, preconceptions, and emotional responses. Keep an open mind and avoid getting distracted by your own thoughts or judgments—or by planning what you’re going to say next. When you’re listening, focus on listening.

A Blueprint for Meaningful Conversation

Communication is most effective when both speaker (or signer) and listener play equal and essential roles. And true understanding comes when we engage our entire being in the conversation. By embracing the practice of whole-body listening, we can begin to transform the way we connect with others, whether through spoken words, sign language, or any form of communication.

As leaders, we must not only speak with intention but listen with purpose. Whole-body listening offers a blueprint for effective and meaningful conversations. It challenges us to be fully present in our interactions, to eliminate the noise and truly hear what the other person is trying to communicate. If we let it, it teaches us to listen not with just our ears but our hearts, minds, eyes, shoulders, backs, legs… you get the idea.

When we listen with our whole selves, we can bridge gaps, build relationships, and foster a more inclusive, empathetic, and understanding world.

This month, we’re exploring the importance of effective communication in leadership. Today, we take a step off the beaten path and examine side chats, those informal conversations that happen in the hallways, at the watercooler, or through instant messaging.

 

Before I started working from home, I held a position of power and influence when it came to the information superhighway that is impromptu conversation between co-workers.

My desk sat in a three-person bullpen we called the “north studio,” equidistant from the bathroom, the backdoor to our offices, and the in-office conference room, where members of the team regularly hosted colleagues from across campus. Plus, I have one of those faces that screams, “Come, tell me your problems.”

No one could pass my desk without chatting. Whether they were heading out to their cars in the parking lot or slipping in a little late after lunch, they’d linger just a bit for a few minutes of small talk over my monitor. I often wondered if they felt they owed me some sort of unofficial toll for passing through my general workspace, like a family making its way from Pittsburgh to Philly on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Of course, it’s not like I discouraged them. Between the festive holiday lights hanging from my desk from October to January, the team “win jar” and community magnetic poetry board in the corner, and my bone-deep need to be the go-to department know-it-all, I inadvertently made myself the hub of office side chats.

On one hand, this was great. I developed fantastic rapport with everyone from VPs and visiting board members to the guy who delivered our watercooler water. Impromptu brainstorming sessions and creative problem-solving happened on the regular. I grew into a more effective team member and became adept at anticipating challenges and obstacles as a result of hearing my co-workers’ frustrations when they vented. And the workday was frequently interspersed with conversation about the latest episode of Project Runway, the plight of the Mariners or Seahawks, or (with one team member, in particular) the existential ruminations that result from rereading Walt Whitman.

On the other hand, it’s a wonder I ever got any work done. A few minutes at my desk after a meeting was just that for the other person: a few minutes. But when you stack up several of those “few minutes,” you get an hour. Thank goodness the microwave was upstairs. As it was, if someone from the south studio perched at the foot of the steps after heating up their turkey meatloaf mini muffins, their lunch break often turned into my 30-minute distraction. Can you imagine what would have happened if every hungry person in the building had to pass my desk to reheat their leftovers?

All this changed drastically when I began remote work. And yet, much of it didn’t change at all.

Like many around the world who suddenly found themselves working from home at the beginning of the pandemic, I missed the camaraderie of in-person activity. The updates about colleagues’ kids, the Monday-morning quarterbacking about that last email campaign, the veiled eyerolls during our director’s PowerPoints. This was the glue that held us together. If the shared experience of spending eight hours a day in a handful of connected rooms wasn’t enough to bond us, the meaningful looks during meetings, whispered conversations at the copy machine, and deep dives into Leaves of Grass certainly were.

With each of us isolated at home, how would we cultivate that bond?

I needn’t have worried. Remote work, though new to me, wasn’t new, and there was already a slew of tools to keep co-workers in different locations connected. Between Slack, Zoom, texting, comments in Asana, and email, I nearly felt even more available working remotely than I had actually been working in person.

As the pandemic wore on and we all got more comfortable communicating in this manner, I noticed an unexpected shift: Side chats were happening more frequently than they ever had in the office, and I wasn’t the only one for whom a few minutes after a meeting was stacking up. With the ability to mute ourselves and go off camera during meetings and with many employees using more than one monitor in their home-office setups, it became easier and easier to hold a full-on private conversation in the midst of a conference call or tackle my to-do list during a presentation. And no one was the wiser.

Except, they were the wiser, because I wasn’t just holding one side chat during the call, I was holding several: one with my former studio mate about how hard it was going to be to implement the website changes the call was about, one with a colleague in a different department about edits to an email she needed to send, one to another co-worker lamenting how long the call was taking, and one to my boss because I kept finding Game of Thrones memes that perfectly described each person on our team.

And I was willing to bet that each person in my side chats was holding multiple side chats of their own.

Before long, I felt like my side chats about work were work, and I was no longer responsible only for the projects in my portfolio, but for maintaining dozens of threads, commentaries, and ongoing conversations—some related to work and some not. My distractions increased. My interruptions increased. My stress increased. What was meant to mimic the spontaneous, fun, and constructive ways of staying connected had become a car wreck of communicating.

Making Side Chats Work

Whether you manage a handful of people, oversee a division, or are the CEO of a large organization, you have to learn how to navigate the intricate web of conversations happening within your team. Leaders acknowledge that side chats are a natural, effective, and (mostly) healthy means of communicating; good leaders ensure that they contribute positively to team dynamics and team members’ well-being and productivity. The path to making side chats work involves a few key strategies:

Encourage openness and inclusivity.

By their very nature, side chats are exclusive and run the risk of inadvertently creating cliques or inspiring FOMO. Combat this by having an open-door policy. Encourage team members to voice their thoughts and join the conversation—in person or online. Invite questions and embrace respectful dissent and debate. Make it clear that you value diverse perspectives and want to hear from everyone.

Set clear boundaries and expectations.

Open communication is vital, but they’re called “side” chats for a reason. Work with your team to establish guidelines for using messaging platforms and collaboration tools. Define the purpose for each channel, such as using Slack or Teams for brainstorming and more formal channels, like email or meetings, for sharing information and decision-making. Lay down some ground rules around basic messaging etiquette in shared spaces, like limiting the use of profanity and avoiding video cold calls.

Cultivate a culture of respect.

Respect is the cornerstone of healthy side chats. Of all effective communication, really. Remind your team of the importance of respectful communication and common courtesy, whether in person or digitally. Encourage active listening and empathy, and make the effort to ensure that everyone feels heard and valued.

Lead by example.

Your behavior as a leader sets the tone for your team. When you participate in side chats, you demonstrate their value and model their effectiveness. Reenforce your open-door policy and meet your team members where they are. And don’t be afraid to share your personality. Allowing your team to see a more casual, playful side and get to know you will inspire confidence and build trust.

Opt out when needed.

It’s OK to be unavailable sometimes. The proliferation of ways we have created to ensure our availability at any given moment can feel overwhelming. Remember—and remind your team—that you don’t have to respond to everything everywhere right away. Utilize features such as “Do Not Disturb” to help limit distractions when you need to focus. Remove yourself from channels or threads when they’re no longer relevant to prevent information overload.

Review, revise, and adjust.

Team dynamics evolve over time, and what works today might not work tomorrow. Check in with your team and regularly review how side chats are impacting members’ relationships, productivity, and well-being. Be willing to adjust your approach as needed and be open to suggestions. Solicit feedback to ensure that everyone’s needs are being met.

Conclusion

In the end, side chats, whether in the office or during remote work, are a testament to the human need for connection and collaboration. At their best, they’re where creativity sparks, friendships flourish, and ideas become solutions. At their worst, they’re a twisted, labyrinthine network of distractions and negativity.

As leaders, our role is to guide our teams in making the most of side chats while mitigating their potential pitfalls. With the right balance, we can create an environment of informal collaboration and camaraderie that strengthens workplace bonds and sets our teams on the path to success.

We’re taking a closer look at just how important effective communication is to effective leadership. In this post, we explore ways to gracefully say “no”—and how that may be the most important communication tool you can learn.

 

Stop me if this sounds familiar… It’s a little after 9 p.m., and the kids are finally in bed. Baths are done, story time is over. The oldest is surreptitiously reading just one more, just one more, just one more chapter under the covers, and you ignore the faint light peeking out from under their bedroom door. The couch is calling, along with a few episodes of The Bear, a cold beer, and your favorite person in the world. Time to settle in and relax for a couple of hours before sleep and the madness of a new day.

And then your phone chimes. It’s your boss, asking you to “take a peek” at the email she just sent you before tomorrow’s 8 a.m. meeting and prepare a few slides for the presentation.

And you just can’t say no.

No matter how much you may thrive on being your team’s go-to person, no matter how much saying “yes” may win you points with the boss, and no matter how important a task or project feels in the moment, there comes a time when, for your health or sanity (or both)—and for that of your organization—you must say “no.”

What Saying “No” Says “Yes” To

“No” doesn’t have to be negative. In fact, it’s often liberating. By saying “no” to one thing, you’re able to say “yes” to something else, and those “yeses” can create a more balanced, efficient, and fulfilling work life. Here are a few big gains by saying “no”:

Focus and Prioritization

Every “yes” comes with a commitment of time, energy, and resources. When you say “no” to less important or distracting requests, you make yourself available for what truly matters. Often, this leads to allocating resources more efficiently and working toward your strategic goals with greater clarity and purpose. Saying “no” allows leaders to maintain a razor-sharp focus on their priorities.

Healthy Boundaries

In the juggling act that is leadership, boundaries are essential if you have any hope of not dropping the ball. Saying “no” when necessary is an act of self-care and helps you protect your physical and mental well-being, ensuring that you have the energy and resilience needed to lead effectively.

Trust and Accountability

Effective leaders are skilled decision-makers. When you say “no” to certain opportunities or requests, you’re making a conscious choice to focus your attention elsewhere—and staying true to your priorities signals your commitment to them. As a result, your team is more likely to respect your judgment, trust your leadership, and know you have their back when they need to say “no.”

How To Say “No” Gracefully

How many times have you heard that it’s not so much what you say but how you say it? “No” is a perfect example. There’s a big difference between someone shouting at you, red-faced and spitting expletives, “ARE YOU CRAZY?! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO DO THAT! WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT I CAN TAKE ON THIS PROJECT?!” and someone speaking calmly, in a quiet, apologetic tone, “I’m sorry, I just don’t think I can accommodate that request right now. My time is committed elsewhere. Can we revisit this when I have an opening in my schedule later this month?”

I know which person I’d rather work with.

Remember these tips to make your next “no” a graceful one:

1. Be nice. You can’t go wrong by being polite. Express your appreciation for being asked or considered, even if you ultimately need to say “no.”
2. Be positive. Avoid sounding defensive or confrontational. Keep the conversation friendly.
3. Be sorry. A little empathy can go a long way. Letting someone know that you genuinely regret having to decline their request shows you understand how important that request is to them.
4. Be honest. Your reasons for saying “no” are enough. Clearly explain why you’re declining the request, but avoid over-explaining, which can lead to misunderstandings.
5. Be helpful. Just because you say “no”—or “no for now”—doesn’t mean everyone else will. Offer alternatives or compromises, or collaborate to find a new solution.

Examples:

“I appreciate you thinking of me for this project, but my current workload won’t allow me to commit the time and attention it deserves. I can recommend others on the team who may be able to assist you.”

“I’m flattered that you asked me, but I have a prior commitment that will require my full attention during this time frame. Can we revisit this in the future?”

“Thanks for inviting me to participate. Unfortunately, I’m working on a critical project at the moment and am unable to start anything new until it’s finished. If I can be of assistance down the road, please let me know.”

“I understand how import this request is, but given my current workload, I won’t be able to meet your deadline. Is there a way we can adjust the timeline or explore other options?”

Say It With Me

“No” has many variations, and we could all use a little more practice saying it. For effective leaders, saying “no” isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a superpower. It enables you to focus on your priorities, set and maintain healthy boundaries, and build trust among your team and within your organization. By learning when and how to say “no,” you strengthen your personal and professional relationships and improve your overall performance at work, taking the reins of your leadership journey.